Saturday, September 15, 2012

Live From Texas, it's Saturday Night!

Just some light laughable reading for a lackadaisical weekend.
  • A big man can cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
  • If you fall off a tall building, go really limp so people might think you're a dummy and try to catch you, because hey, free dummy!
  • A little boy asked me where rain comes from, so I told him "God is crying." He asked me why God was crying so I told him "Probably because of something you did."
  • Boxing is a lot like a ballet, but without the music and choreography. Oh, and the dancers beat the crap out of each other.
  • A hippie once asked me if I would be so nonchalant about cutting trees down if they could scream. I said, "I might be, if they screamed all the time for no good reason."
  • I think they don't take dogs into space, because if it stuck its head out during re-entry, its face would burn off.
  • I think clowns are scary. Mostly because of that time I went to a circus when I was a kid, and a clown murdered my father.
  • I think a nude opera would be really awesome, because every time they hit one of those high notes, you can probably really see it in their genitals.
  • As I was driving with a friend, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." My friend said it should read "Watch For Dangerous Rocks." I told them they should write a letter to the highway department, but they said "No, no, it was just a joke..." just to get out of a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
  • Do you think there's anything more beautiful than a beautiful eagle soaring across a beautiful sunset, carrying a beautiful rose in its beak, with a very beautiful painting in its talons? And also, you're high.
  • I'll always remember my Uncle Cave Man. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and from time to time he would attack and kill someone. It made a lot more sense when we finally discovered he was a bear.
  • In weightlifting, as with any sport, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled, projectile diarrhea should automatically disqualify you.
  • Whenever I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and they scream and try to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!?

Have a great weekend!!

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