Live From Texas, it's Saturday Night!

Just some light laughable reading for a lackadaisical weekend.

• A big man can cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
• If you fall off a tall building, go really limp so people might think you're a dummy and try to catch you, because hey, free dummy!
• A little boy asked me where rain comes from, so I told him "God is crying." He asked me why God was crying so I told him "Probably because of something you did."
• Boxing is a lot like a ballet, but without the music and choreography. Oh, and the dancers beat the crap out of each other.
• A hippie once asked me if I would be so nonchalant about cutting trees down if they could scream. I said, "I might be, if they screamed all the time for no good reason."
• I think they don't take dogs into space, because if it stuck its head out during re-entry, its face would burn off.
• I think clowns are scary. Mostly because of that time I went to a circus when I was a kid, and a clown murdered my father.
• I think a nude opera would be really awesome, because every time they hit one of those high notes, you can probably really see it in their genitals.
• As I was driving with a friend, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." My friend said it should read "Watch For Dangerous Rocks." I told them they should write a letter to the highway department, but they said "No, no, it was just a joke..." just to get out of a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
• Do you think there's anything more beautiful than a beautiful eagle soaring across a beautiful sunset, carrying a beautiful rose in its beak, with a very beautiful painting in its talons? And also, you're high.
• I'll always remember my Uncle Cave Man. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and from time to time he would attack and kill someone. It made a lot more sense when we finally discovered he was a bear.
• In weightlifting, as with any sport, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled, projectile diarrhea should automatically disqualify you.
• Whenever I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and they scream and try to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!?

Have a great weekend!!

Islamic Dating - All It's Cracked Up To Be?

Let me introduce you to just a few of the stunning beauties you'll be able to choose from:


1 )
Sakhir (18 years old, student, not married)

Three things I'm looking for in a husband:
1. "He likes me."
2. "Well brought up."
3. "I am confident in myself."

Dream:
"I do not have a dream."

Hidden Talent:
"I have no talent."

Career Aspirations:
"I want to be a doctor."




2 )
SA'ADIA (20 years old, student of English language & specialty computers, not married)

Three things I'm looking for in a husband:
1. "Fair."
2. "Beautiful."
3. "High."

Hidden Talent:
"Modern Arabic Dance."

Favorite passage from the Koran:
"God is one. Not born, He was born, and there is no equal or like Him, He does not need any help."

Why do I wear hijab:
"It was my decision. I started wearing the hijab just eight months ago. I did it to become invisible. Society and our traditions say that it was good."

If only I could meet any historical figure, it would be ...
"Saddam Hussein. We all have bad and good sides. He was brave and stood for pan-Arabism."

Favorite Music:
"Hip-hop, Usher, Westlife, Backstreet Boys, Ricky Martin, Enrique Iglesias."

People in the West need to know something about the Islamic world, which they still do not understand:
"Western people do not know anything about the Arabs. They are ignorant about Islam. They think that Islam - it is only terrorism. But Islam is based on love, peace and humanity."

Liberty, which I would like to have:
"I am not allowed to talk about them."




3 )
Salam (21 years old, student, married)

Three things that I want in life:
1. "Being a good mother, good wife, and to help Yemen."
2. "I also want to do business."
3. "I would like to visit all the cities in America."

I am irritated by:
"Blasphemy, bad language, and when the guys on the street said: 'Look at this very pretty girl with the eyes!'."

Favorite Television Star:
"Dr. Phil. He tells us how to solve our problem."

What is the biggest problem of the modern world?
"Palestine. We send them money. More poverty. We send poor tithe. The biggest problem in Yemen - a woman who does not want to teach my daughter. Early marriage - this is also the problem."




4 )
Rabia (20 years old, student, married)

Hidden talent:
"Poetry."

Why do I wear hijab:
"All the women in my family wear them. This is not a matter of choice. This society and the religious duty."

If I were an animal, it would be ...
"... A fish. Perhaps very large, and at the same time very quick. In the sea there are a lot of places to hide. More sea than land. I went to the ocean with my family, but was forced to swim in clothes."

Liberty, which I would like to have:
"I would like to live in Europe or America, but this will never happen."




5 )
VAFA'A (19 years old, student, not married)

Hidden talent:
"Swimming."

Why do I wear hijab:
"I have no choice."

What I like about the hijab:
"The only thing that I like it - so that she can laugh when she wishes, because her face is hidden."

What I do not like about the hijab:
"The fact that it makes some girls more attractive than they deserve."

If only I could meet any historical figure, it would be:
"I'd like to meet our prophet, Muhammad. I would ask him how we could change our nation so that it again became what was, until the modern world with all its problems."




6 )
Fatima (19 years old, student, not married)

Three things I'm looking for in a husband:
"I'll never get married."

Hidden talent:
"Telepathy. I know what people think."

I hate:
"Hamburger."

I like:
"Apple Soda Water Mirinda."

Favorite actor:
"I like Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Denzel Washington and Tom Hanks."

People in the West need to know something about the Islamic world, which they still do not understand:
"Western people believe that we are unhappy, although in reality we live in a peaceful reality. Islam teaches us how to clean, as it is, how to do anything."




7 )
Safa (21 years old, journalist, not married)

Three things I'm looking for in a husband:
1. "Beautiful."
2. "He must be famous."
3. "He should give me the freedom to do whatever I want."

Hidden talent:
"The traditional Arabic and international contemporary dance."

I am irritated by:
"Spit nozzles man in the street."

Favorite Musical Artists:
"Celine Dion, Mohammed Abdu, Shakira, Abu Bakr Salem."

Your favorite Western movie and television star:
"I like fighters and romantic movies, Dr. Phil and frames."

Favorite passage from the Koran:
"We belong to God and to Him return."

Why do I wear hijab:
"This is my personal choice, nobody forced me. To be honest, my family is even discouraged. But I feel free, putting it. I am comfortable in it."

People in the West need to know something about the Islamic world, which they still do not understand:
"It would seem that Yemen - uneducated and backward country, but it is not. We have more freedoms than you think. And, clearly, we have the freedom that you are not in Europe, and dreamed. For example, here you can be invisible, wearing the hijab. You can do everything quietly, like a ghost."




8 )
AZHAAR (21 years old, journalist, not married)

Hidden talent:
"Painting and sewing."

I am irritated by:
"Any scratches sound."

Favorite movies, actors, and television stars:
"Harry Potter, Lost, and Steven Segal.

Why do I wear hijab:
"When I grew up, my father said I should wear it. Also, in a society where I live, is it, so I must do the same. I like it because it I feel more secure. [long pause] When I think about it ... understand women who do not wear hijab, receive less attention. When you are wearing head scarves, men seek to know what is there for them, and therefore stronger look to you. Excessive openness leads to the opposite effect. Itself, I do not trust men, because they usually betray women. For this reason, I think I'll never marry."

If only I could meet any historical figure, it would be:
"Saladin. He united Egypt, Syria and Yemen against the Crusaders and conquered Jerusalem, most of the Kingdom."

People in the West need to know something about the Islamic world, which they still do not understand:
"Not all the Arab women - uneducated backward terrorist. They are the same women as everyone else. Many girls here are break in life. Yemeni women are educated, successful and open."



*******************************************************


Looks like the "eyes" have it!

A couple things to keep in mind when making your decision(s):

1) A faded hoodie could indicate several things, such as: cleanliness, overzealous stream-side behavior (washing), lack of funds to purchase "color safe" detergents, etc...

2) Designs in cloaks indicate wealth, especially if they're made of BLING! BLING! BLING!

3) Never be afraid to ask for a side/profile shot (black is a slimming color, don't let her nose surprise you!).






. . . .

New Application For Federal Bail Out Funds!

Don't ask me how I got my hands on this (shhh, it's a secret!), but let's just say I'm risking my life and the 22 billion dollars I already applied for, by sharing this with you! That being said, I introduce to you, the Application for Federal Funds Under the Newly Instated Bail Out Program, AFFUNIBOP!

^{Click to see full zoom}

Don't delay, apply for your government bail out money today!

Couple Funny Photos (with Edits)

I was browsing some shareapic galleries today and found a couple pictures I thought everyone could enjoy.

^{As always, click to see the larger versions!}

There Just Aren't Any Good Jokes Left Out There!

You might be saying that very thing if you don't know where to look, but now the University of California Berkeley will bring the funny to you... via Jester.
Rate a few simple jokes and Jester will begin pumping A+, Class A, Number 1 humor through your internet connection, straight onto your screen.

Here's an example of something it spat at me:

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A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

The hunter comes back on the line. "Okay. Now what??"
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Pretty funny in my opinion, as it very well should be, since UC Berkeley scientists have completed several versions of Elegentaste, the engine running the Jester joke recommendation server.

Enjoy your new found happy days, laughing all the way, to the next joke!

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

...or do, it's up to you!

Via Email:

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Via Email - Funny Human Trick

This applies to everyone! I'm curious how it works with left-handed or ambidextrous people.

Here's the deal:

How smart is Your Right Foot?

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon...
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you haven't already done so. Send it to your buddies to frustrate them too.

Be sure to let me know your results - I can keep my foot moving clockwise, but it definitely isn't a pretty circle! It does seem to help if I start drawing the sixes first, but I suppose that's cheating...

Have a safe and happy Halloween!