Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

...or do, it's up to you!

Via Email:

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Feeling Clever?

It's been a while since I've posted an email I've received, so today is your lucky Friday!


A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a
calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said
he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us,' the Attorney General said. 'They
desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names
like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have
determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval
with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles
used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.''

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, 'If God had
wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have
given us more fingers and toes.' Republican leaders told reporters
they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the
President.

Blonde Paint Job

It's been a good while since I've posted an email, and this one is kind of dumb (pardon the pun), but I figured worth posting, as it might give someone a much needed laugh. Happy Hump Day!

  A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "And I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

Famous Last Words

via email:

• I'll get a world record for this.
• It's fireproof.
• He's probably just hibernating.
• What does this button do?
• I'm making a citizen's arrest.
• So, you're a cannibal.
• It's probably just a rash.
• Are you sure the power is off?
• Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
• The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
• Pull the pin and count to what?
• Which wire was I supposed to cut?
• I wonder where the mother bear is.
• I've seen this done on TV.
• I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
• Let it down slowly.
• Rat poison only kills rats.
• OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
• Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
• It's strong enough for both of us.
• This doesn't taste right.
• I can make this light before it changes.
• Nice doggie.
• I can do that with my eyes closed.
• I've done this before.
• That's odd.
• You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
• Don't be so superstitious.
• Now watch this.
• What duck?

Evolution or Inbreeding?

A silly joke I got in my inbox which made me wonder... Enjoy!


A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

Without missing a beat, the mother quickly answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Wacky Wirey Wednesday

Hey, I was able to keep the 'W' on it this time! I'm so content, and as for content, here's a daily giggle, partially known as:

- "Texas Always Wins!" -
  After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years, sending them to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

  Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly thereafter, headlines in the "LA Times" newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

  One week later, "The Express News," a local newspaper in Texas, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 yards in corn fields near Austin, Bubba Jo Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Johnson therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless."

Tuesday Tickle For A Tiny Titter

Slightly modified from the original e-mail forward. I can't remember reading this one before, so I thought I'd share in case you couldn't either. I'm certain it is part of a series of similar stories entitled "Mothers Know!"

Stop me if you've heard this before:

A 3-Year-Old's Tea Party
    Someone had given a little girl a tiny 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was home while Mommy was away one day, and he was in the living room engrossed in the evening news with Brother playing nearby when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mommy came home. Daddy made Mommy wait in the living room to watch as the little one brought him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
    Mommy waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy! Mommy watches him drink it up, then says to him, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??"

    ....Mothers know!!

The Truth Hurts

A.K.A. "Why You Never Question A Drunk" -- Via E-mail --
I've heard this one before, but it makes me chuckle, and everyone needs a little bit of that on a Tuesday morning.

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:


A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

A 1 lb. package of bacon


As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."


I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of me, I retorted: "You're actually right, but how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ugly."

Famous Coincidence Photography

Do you believe in coincidences? Some people do, some don't, arguing fate or providence instead. Whatever your belief, there are always events occurring that have never happened before. Often times, these new events can be seen in a humorous or ironic way, at which point a camera is useful for capturing the moment to share with others. Other times, a picture is taken only to realize later that something more than originally intended is exposed. Here are a couple pictures I received via e-mail today. Each one of these photos, like most wonderful pictures, is unique and great in its own special way. Enjoy!

1) Tire Iron(y)


2) Overheard Conversation


3) Jack and Peter Rabbit


4) Bad Stamp Pairing


5) She Thinks Highly Of Herself


6) 3rd Eye Blind


7) Powerful Crane


8) Sit Here to Grow a Fro


9) Secret Kiss


10) "Take Me To Your Leader"