Blonde Paint Job

It's been a good while since I've posted an email, and this one is kind of dumb (pardon the pun), but I figured worth posting, as it might give someone a much needed laugh. Happy Hump Day!

  A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "And I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

Wacky Wirey Wednesday

Hey, I was able to keep the 'W' on it this time! I'm so content, and as for content, here's a daily giggle, partially known as:

- "Texas Always Wins!" -
  After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years, sending them to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

  Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly thereafter, headlines in the "LA Times" newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

  One week later, "The Express News," a local newspaper in Texas, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 yards in corn fields near Austin, Bubba Jo Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Johnson therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless."

Tuesday Tickle For A Tiny Titter

Slightly modified from the original e-mail forward. I can't remember reading this one before, so I thought I'd share in case you couldn't either. I'm certain it is part of a series of similar stories entitled "Mothers Know!"

Stop me if you've heard this before:

A 3-Year-Old's Tea Party
    Someone had given a little girl a tiny 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was home while Mommy was away one day, and he was in the living room engrossed in the evening news with Brother playing nearby when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mommy came home. Daddy made Mommy wait in the living room to watch as the little one brought him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
    Mommy waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy! Mommy watches him drink it up, then says to him, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??"

    ....Mothers know!!

The Truth Hurts

A.K.A. "Why You Never Question A Drunk" -- Via E-mail --
I've heard this one before, but it makes me chuckle, and everyone needs a little bit of that on a Tuesday morning.

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:


A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

A 1 lb. package of bacon


As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."


I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of me, I retorted: "You're actually right, but how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ugly."

Famous Coincidence Photography

Do you believe in coincidences? Some people do, some don't, arguing fate or providence instead. Whatever your belief, there are always events occurring that have never happened before. Often times, these new events can be seen in a humorous or ironic way, at which point a camera is useful for capturing the moment to share with others. Other times, a picture is taken only to realize later that something more than originally intended is exposed. Here are a couple pictures I received via e-mail today. Each one of these photos, like most wonderful pictures, is unique and great in its own special way. Enjoy!

1) Tire Iron(y)


2) Overheard Conversation


3) Jack and Peter Rabbit


4) Bad Stamp Pairing


5) She Thinks Highly Of Herself


6) 3rd Eye Blind


7) Powerful Crane


8) Sit Here to Grow a Fro


9) Secret Kiss


10) "Take Me To Your Leader"

E-Mail Ednesday

Where's the "W?" It didn't fit, so I chunked it out! Not nice, I know, but it had to be done.

A couple quick little blurbs from e-mails I received yesterday and today:


1) Early Easter This Way Comes

Easter is always the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox, putting Easter on March 23 this year.
_{(the Spring Equinox occurs March 20)}

This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that Hebrew people used to identify Passover, which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar. Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is pretty rare.

This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives! Only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above!). Moreover, none of us has ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier!


Here are the facts:

The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 (220 years from now). The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that!).

The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 (277 years from now). The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. Therefore, no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than this year!

-Pretty interesting eh?-


2) Stalking Snake Takes Care of Pet Puppy

Just a link for this one:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/02/27/australia.snake.ap/index.html

-Poor pooch eh?-


3) Love and Marriage... to the Sea?

Funny comic strips seem to be popping up everywhere these days. Married to the Sea is connected to another funny comic strip I've posted about before. These two are pretty major in terms of their presence and following, so if you've never heard about them, you're probably behind the curve. :-p

Anyway, here's the image that was forwarded to me, entitled "Slowtards":

If you feel like he does, click the picture and be the first to the top!

-Kinda Napoleon Dynamite eh?-


4) Chain Letter Luck-Angel Love

And how could any e-mail forward post be complete without a Luck Angel Chain...image? You're right, it couldn't. Just be thankful I spared you all from the consequences of having to repost or send it as an email. ;)


-Good Luck To All, eh?-

Purely Entertainment Value

I've never really cared for doctors, and will 9 times out of 10 opt to treat myself or others at home, rather than go to a hospital - the tenth time is usually pretty bad! So on the spur of my girlfriend stabbing herself in the hand last night, and receiving this email today, I feel it is only appropriate to post it.

Please be aware that it is purely comical and should not be taken (too) seriously.
I have neither verified these facts, nor the calculations, and any thoughts provoked upon reading the following, are your own to deal with!

I present to you: "Facts To Ponder."


FACTS TO PONDER:

A) The number of physicians in the U.S.: 700,000.


B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.


- (Calculation) Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171


_{Statistics courtesy of the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services}



Now think about this:

A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.: 80,000,000.
_{(Yes, that's 80 million.)}


B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups: 1,500.


- (Calculation) Accidental deaths per gun owner: .000188


_{Statistics courtesy of the FBI}



These facts lead us statistically, to understand that doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.


So remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


SCARY ADDITIONAL THOUGHT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN.

BUT, ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

PLEASE: Alert your friends to this alarming threat; doctors must be banned before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, the statistics on lawyers have been withheld...

...for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!